Here we go again..

as usual, i am back. This weekend i binged all day long at a family celebration. Pizza, candy, cake, cheese, meat, the works.......
I am now starting a rice diet. I have a new thing for rice. Unfortunately it still has more calories than i would like. I am going to try to eat rice and mangos. Both a little caloric, yet if i stick to those two i think i will be okay. I need to get back on track with my running as well. today- so far- so good! but still all evening left so we shall see!!

Once again...

Off the horse, once again....

Day Two

I am up early. 5:45 a.m. on a  Saturday. The bad thing about being up so early? It gives me more hours in the day to eat. Yesterday, I did okay. I wasn't planning on eating at all. I ended up eating tuna salad and celerey, and a piece of cheesecake. My husband's (We will call him A) mom sent home left over cheesecake with us. I could feel my self getting excited at the thought of something decedent being in our house, that I could sneak and induldge. I started eating at the corners of it, with no one watching. Contrary to my normal behavior (take it home, wait till A falls asleep, and bam! magically the cheesecake and anything eles that gets in my way is gone!), I told A, "I don't want this," and he said "I don't eaither." "Lets drop it off at my sister's." So we did, and that was that! It is freeing to let go of food! i am so terrfied of all the obsticals I know are coming, situations that will look just like that one. Will I be strong enough then? Of course it was easy, it is only day 1. What about day 3? I continually work myself up. I have an appointment for my evaluation at COPE on March 1. My first thought? I will be weighed. Uh oh. I havn't weighed myself since my last doctors appointment on Feb 1st....118... If it is anything more than that I will be devestated. Which sets me up being a basket case until March 1st. I have sat on my big butt and done nothing but felt sorry for myself the last two days. So I am hoping to be more productive this weekend. I am going to a pampered chef party with a friend this morning....I am sure there will be food there....Good luck Elise!

Day One

Soo..day one. I am scared to eat anything. I know they say "3 meals a day, 3 snacks." I am aware that restriction leads to binging. But i feel so crappy right now, I just want a break from food and the stress that comes with consuming calories. So this probably isn't the smartest way to start. I am convinced that my body doesn't like carbs. So i am going to try to be careful with those...I seem to have all the symptoms of a gluten allergy. However, my disgestive system is probably so messed up i have no idea what is wrong with it. I am looking into a therapy center in pittsburgh....we will see how that goes. I still have many hours in the day a head of me. I am coming to terms with the fact that this will get worse before getting better. I am ready to wear baggy pants and be bloated for a month. I am sick of my chimpmunk cheeks and my jaw thrawbing with pain from being abnormally strained by my whole hand in my mouth. Lots of hours left to go in the day.....

The Beginning

It is 2/17/2011. Today will be my last binge and purge episode. How many times have I told myself this? Countless. How many times have i failed? How many more times will I fail? I am 23 years old, going on 24, and I have been bulimic since age 11. I have lost over 12 years, down the toilet, literally. From the outside I don't think it appears that way. I am loved by my family and my husband. I have a job that I work hard at. I have an amazing church, and people that love me there. I am a healthy, young woman, so what is the problem? I wish I knew. I just want to STOP. If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would be hear now I wouldn't have DREAMED the answer would be "yes, I am still bulimic." I have been through therapy, and I have tried medication.
     I was married September 2008, the best day of my life! At the time my husband had no idea, boy do I wish I would have warned him. My husband found out about my eating disorder about 6 months ago. It is ruining my life and my body, and now my marriage. He hates seeing me hurt myself. He told me that he doesn't want to have children with me until I treat my bulimia (for my own sake, and for the sake of any children we may have, Lord willing).
    He is one of the main reasons I want to end this. But I also don't feel like i can live like this any longer. ha! How many times I have said that before. However, I really do want this to be for real this time. I am constantly bloated, chronically fatigued, my emotions run wild, and I have now stopped having my period. It seems all those years of binging and purging with no repercussions are starting to catch up with me. I have been a child with bulimia, I have been a teen with bulimia, but now I am an adult with bulimia, and it scares the crap out of me. I have that one day I will look back at today's date with a smile, and remember today was my last binge and purge.